Like me, Prince William descends from a long line of slapheads. And, like me, he has admitted defeat, yesterday becoming the first in the family to baldly go where no man has gone before; he has, at the age of 35, buzzed off his surviving hair.
Duke, what took you so long? I was born two months before Wills and have suffered a similar rate of loss. But I took the grade-zero leap about three years ago. It takes guts, but I have not looked back and can now offer the hairless heir my guide to being bald. Properly bald.
• It can be hard to give up your barber (I had gone to mine since I was about six), but now that you are bald-bald you can DIY your bonce with clippers and save all us taxpayers some cash. I recommend the rechargeable Wahl haircut and beard trimmer, still only £29.99 at Argos. Once a fortnight will do. Get the duchess to check your crown for missed bits.
• People will react; in your case, in every newspaper in the world. But they will react positively and you will wish you had done it sooner. The mickey-taking will cease, so enjoy that. A French former housemate helped tip me over the edge when he described the sorry tuft clinging to my forehead as my “petit chapeau”.
• Beware the weather during walkabouts and polo tournaments. I am afraid you have entered the age in a man’s life where hats become a thing, in winter and summer, when you will also need to slap on the factor 30 every day.
• From one tall baldy to another: beware low doorways. Bumps that would be forgotten under a mop of hair now become lumps or worse. The payoff for this, along with the convenience, is that your grey hairs won’t show – and your children now have nothing to pull.
• But remember this: you are still bald. At best, you are more Grant Mitchell than David Beckham circa 2000, so use your height to avoid photos from above and choose your profile pics wisely. My last piece of advice: stop shaving your face and trim everything at once (in my house we call this the “full Statham”, perhaps optimistically).